Beypocalypse Now

Let slip the dogs of war

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Beypocalypse Now

Beyonce stepped through the portal and into the Knowles-Carter Keep.

Her golden armor was dripping with blood.

Jay-Z looked up at her, his eyes moist with tears.

"Did you do it? Did you rewrite the universe?"

Beyonce looked at the skull in her hand.

"Yes. It cost everything."

Britney Spears was busy running on her treadmill in one of her 17,000 bikinis when the wave of psychic energy hit her. In a second she knew.

"The dark time has come."

Kim Kardashian's fingers were dirty from counting money. Piles of it, as far as the eye could see. She loved the smell of it. The taste. Kanye loved watching her make it rain. But then it happened. It felt like a psychic knife, stabbing her soul.

"No. Not yet."

Sarah Sanders shoved John Bolton out of the way. His mustache rippled across the White House carpet as he fell. Sanders grabbed Trump by his hands, completely enveloping them in her fists.

"SIR! WE HAVE TO GO! NOW!" she screamed.

Michelle Obama furrowed her brow. The readings were fluctuating in a way she had never seen before. "Barack, there's been a breach."

"I know," he replied, leaning back in his techno-recliner as it plunged into the heart of the HOPE Engine.

The 7-foot-tall humanoid lizard shimmied and shook. Everything became a syrupy haze as it reconfigured its shape into the Ariana Grande form it had assumed 3,000 years ago. "My empire is threatened. Beyonce has the Skull of Balrog," she announced to the elite Grande Garde.

Justin Bieber shoved his battle spear into the Tom Cruise android. It was not as satisfying as the real thing, but it would have to do.

"More juice, sir," offered Twinsberry, his butler and senior aide.

"Yes," Bieber responded, taking a juice box. "And assemble the Beliebers."

"Sarah, this yugely upsetting," Trump bellowed. "Explain yourself."

"The continuum, sir, it's compromised," Sander said as she pulled him down the White House breezeway. "Everything is being rewritten."

A trail of urine followed Trump as he realized what was at stake.

Jay-Z had lost the argument. He had pushed Bey to work within the process, to find a way to a solution. But instead she had jumped through the portal, armed only with Destiny's Sword. He didn't think he would see her again. But here she was.

"My Gods," he whispered.

Obama watched through his Helm of Change as the timeline was rewritten. Entire sections of history, completely erased. The ripples were nearly alive, thrusting through time and racing toward the present.

"Damn it, Bey. Damn it," he cursed out loud.

Don Jr flipped on his monitor. There was Kim K and Ariana in her human form. "She did it. The timeline is being rewritten. My father grows weak. Fix it!" He whined. Kardashian rolled her eyes. "It's not that easy," she said, fidgeting with a wad of hundreds. "It never is."

Britney appeared before Beyonce in her astral form, the only being capable of making it through the complex psychic defense of the Knowles-Carter Keep.

"What have you done? The order has been upset."

"I had to," Bey replied. "The process wasn't working."

"You've killed us."

Ariana grabbed a fly with her tongue and swallowed it whole.

"I won't have everything I've built ruined. Not now. Not when were so close to the Point. The ice caps were melting. The skies filled with dirt. My people will rule this universe, and Knowles can't stop us."

Justin pushed the accelerator of the Belieberjet all the way to the top. The Belieber's followed suit as they flew in Pop Formation. He still couldn't believe Beyonce had violated the alliance. There was an agreement. Now he would have to destroy them.

Talk to some sense into her," Britney's astral projection yelled at Obama.

"She wouldn't listen to reason," Obama explained. "We tried to stop her."

"You can see the time fabric wasting away, so can I"

"I know," Obama said. "And Bieber will attack."

Miles under the White House, deep in the catacombs, Trump felt his hands continue to shrink. The walls were spattered with the orange sputum he had vomited on them as his power slipped away. "STOP THEMMMMMM" he screamed.

Beads of sweat formed on Kellyanne Conway's nose, then they sizzled from the otherworldly heat of the dark energies she was trying to wield. What had been simple just hours ago was now nearly impossible as the universe rewrote itself. "I should have stuck with Jeb," she thought

"He's here," Jay-Z quietly announced.

"I know," Bey replied. She made a fist and tapped into her magicks.

Bey floated through the Lemonade tube and high into the sky above her compound. There, floating in mid-air was the Beliberjet, with Justin leading the squadron.

"We had an agreement," Bieber announced. "And instead you Tom Cruised me."

"It had to be done," Bey replied.

"We had a deal. Obama. Britney. All of us."

"The price was too high. Trump and his allies are too strong."

"THERE WAS A PROCESS!" Bieber bellowed.

The sky suddenly turned pink. A single piercing scream began. Then it shattered reality. A loud boom. Then Ariana Grande, hovering there, her claws now three feet long. She snarled.

"Bieber. There was an arrangement."

The Obamas watched the scene unfold and without a word understood what they had to do.

The couple fist bumped and their bodies disappeared.

In their place appeared a giant eagle completely composed of blue energy.

Yeswecan, the avatar of Hopenchange.

Justin Bieber was so focused on Ariana and Bey that he almost didn't hear the screams of the Beliebers as their jets exploded. Giant bags of money launched by Kardashian's Kimapaults smashed through the aircraft. Kardashian was sad to see the money go.

"It's time," Trump said.

"But daddy," Ivanka whimpered.

"Do it"

She picked up her father and winced as the orange coating stuck to her skin. She could smell the urine and desperation. Then she put him inside the cockpit.

"Rise, Maralagozod," he whispered.

Maralagozod rose from the depths of the White House, growing into the multi-story robot fashioned to look like Trump at age 26. It displaced the water in the swamp and lumbered toward the Knowles-Carter Keep. Trump would have his battle.

Beiber fired at Beyonce. She deflected the blast with her 99 Blades. Jay-Z did not support this fight, but he would not let his queen go into battle unarmed. Yeswecan flapped its wings. "LET ME BE CLEAR," it shrieked, "THIS FIGHT MUST END."

"Build the wall," Trump wheezed. Maralagozod tapped into its reserves of pure, White, energy and fired at Yeswecan. But the combined Obamas easily dwarfed the robot and returned fire. Grande launched herself at Bey, while Kardashian launched another money volley.

Everything froze. The world was silent.

"I did it again," Britney whispered.

The timeline began unraveling again. Britney rewrote time and space. Bey had good intentions, but the apocalypse had been triggered again.

"Not today. I'm Britney, bitch."

Reality splintered.

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